Funny Side Of The Street: Part 2 (Pulp Fiction.)


This is not a White Paper! White Papers pretend to be unbiased.
by Ted Steinberg, Co-Founder.

Sales Manager’s Lament:

“Some Days, My Tortoises Can’t Think Outside Their Shells.”

Five Questions of Great Significance:

1. Isn’t “Pulp Fiction” a Book On Marketing?

2. How Many Chiefs Does It Take To Screw Up A Company? Several!

Why so many? Too many Chiefs and not enough Indians, is what’s happening nowadays. Everyone wants to be happening, so lets see who we can promote!

A freshly minted accountant for a nine person company was hired to be their Chief Financial Officer. The CEO was an acquaintance of mine. He told me the title was the most important part of the compensation plan. We have mutual respect for each other because the CEO is an old codger, too. He smirked when he told me. I smirked in return. We poured a couple of single malts and laughed the laugh of the well-to-do, even though our successes were only in our own minds.

Read the business news and you will see that Indians (commercial type, not real Indians, just to clear the air), are on the fast track to Chiefdoms without having to earn an Eagle Feather.

Some of the Chiefs to be studied at company Pow Wows are: Chief Executive Officer, Chief Financial Officer, Chief Marketing Officer, Chief Technology Officer, Chief Information Officer, Chief of Human Resources, Chief of Business Development, Chief Administrative Officer, and Chief Creative Officer. (Can you imagine Picasso with that title?)

Here’s a new one, Chief of Facilities. When you ask this person if you can use the facilities, you are directed to either the men’s room or the ladies room. When in doubt, a fire hydrant always works. A Chief who can handle a fire hydrant must be good at putting out fires, so don’t knock Chiefs, OK?

The next time you are introduced to Chief Bozo Officers, Chief Molehill Makers, or Chief Muckety Mucks, be careful: no grimacing, no smirking, no snickering, don’t even twitch. Treat all Chiefs with respect. Someday you can become a Chief, too, and you won’t want to be snickered at for climbing the corporate ladder.

Did you hear about the executive who worked his way up the corporate ladder one wrong at a time? If you need to use the facilities after reading this, I’ll understand!

3. Why Do Bankers Watch Adult Movies Backwards?

They like the part where the woman gives the guy back his money.

4. Perfect Mind Openers: You are guaranteed to get a “YES” for an answer!

1. “How Would you like to live a little longer?”
2. “Sign here, or I’ll shoot your horse.” (Stolen line from Godfather I.)

5. Why Are Harelips Great At Sales?

By the time I was 25, I knew there was something about harelips that made them great at sales. It had to be, because sales meetings often ended with a harelip joke, The sales motivator implied, “if a harelip can do it, so can you.” Instead of being motivated, I was disheartened, because, at the time, I was not a Harelip.

How was I going to make it in sales? I couldn’t afford a plastic surgeon to turn me into a rich and natural lisper. Thanks to Jimmy Stewart’s Rabbit and my Genie and Tom Bradley, my first mentor, I was able to survive without becoming a Harelip.

[Good news for salespeople. Bad news for Plastic Surgeons. You don’t have to be a Harelip to be great at sales. All you need to put a smile on your face is read Jimmy Stewart’s Rabbit and other posts in The Matchmaker’s Triangle.]

Brain Transplants for Bozos.

Brain Transplant 101: He’s on The Short List.

He’s hoping he will get ahead without being found out. His career isn’t over, yet. He’s waiting for a brain transplant, this one’s about gone. He’s been approved and he’s on the short list. He’s afraid of flat-lining in the meantime

Brain Transplant 102: It was Rejected.

He finally got a brain transplant but it didn’t take. For a moment his ideas were lucid, but then his body rejected the change. It was just too much for him and he returned to Basic Bozo,

Brain Transplant 103: You Can Lead A Bore To Culture...

A Horticulturist told me, “you can lead a bore to culture but you can’t him think!

Funny Side Of The Street: Part 1 (Smell Something?)

A Place To Laugh – When You’re In Marketing, Promotion, and Sales.

This is not a White Paper! White Papers pretend to be unbiased.
by Ted Steinberg, Co-Founder.

Smell Something?

  • Rank has it’s Privilege and Privilege has it’s rank. The greater the rank, the greater the smell!
  • Not all your plans are good ones. When you stink, you stink!
  • It’s easier to reverse the order of things than to reverse the odor of things.

Two Bad Things About Fish:

  • Fish Smell Like House Guests After Three Days!
  • Fish Smell Like New Associates After Three Days!

Hungry For Business?

  • Very few markets sell customers, fresh or frozen.
  • Frozen fish tastes better than frozen customers! Aw!

Two Reasons Why Our Business Is Off:

  • Either, nobody knows about us.
  • Or they do!

Insanity Testing:

  • Focus Groups prove, “if somebody’s crazy, it’s not us!”
  • In-House Testing was done by Experts.
  • Out House Testing was done by Customers. [Oops, or a word that rhymes with it!]

Legal Maneuvers – part 1:

  • The Potty of the 1st pot, pottied in the 2nd pot.
  • This explains why plants hate Lawyers, especially From Harvard!
  • A Neutral Potty is for customers who have to think it over.

Legal Maneuvers – part 2:

  • He Thought He Was Middle Of The Road.
  • He Was All Over The Road, So They Fired Him.
  • Playing Both Sides Gets You Stabbed In The Front & The Back!

White Papers:

“Once you put it down, you can’t pick it up.” (Mark Twain’s opinion of Henry James’ books. It summarizes my opinion of White Papers.)

Family Business – Part 1: (*Polite Conversation.)

(*AKA, Bad Elevator Pitch.)

  • “Dad, how about a raise?”
  • “If I paid you what you’re worth, you’d quit.”
  • He Did & I Did!

Family Business – Part 2: (*Pleading Telegram.)

(*AKA, Bad Texting Pitch.)

  • College Boy: “Dear Dad, No Mon, No Fun, Your Son.”
  • Reply: “Too Bad, So Sad, Your Dad.”

(Bankers like this, they understand the meaning!)

Field of Prattle: AKA “Strategy Session”

A Welcome Announcement: “Meeting Adjourned!”

  • Heard afterwards: “well, how did you like that B.S.?”
  • Reply: “it’s an acquired taste.”

Good News and Bad News – 1: [Surgical Strike.]

“I Have Good News & Bad News,” says the Surgeon, “Which Do You Want To Hear, First?”

  • Patient, “The Bad News.”
  • Surgeon, “We had to cut off your doo-dad.”
  • Patient, “What’s The Good News?”
  • Surgeon, “It Wasn’t Cancerous!”

Good News and Bad News – 2: [Cluster Bomb.]

The Chairman of the Board: “I have good news & bad news. Which do you want to hear, first?”

  • CEO, “The Bad News.”
  • Chairman, “You’re being replaced.”
  • CEO, “What’s The Good News?”
  • Chairman, “You’re not being indicted!”
  • CEO, “Am I fired?”
  • Chairman, “I wouldn’t call it that.”
  • CEO, “What would you call it?”
  • Chairman, “Time off for bad behavior.’

Laugh Loudly when you read this. Everyone will think you’re having a good day!